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imaginesmai · 1 year ago

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Right around the corner - Azriel (5)

AHHHHH this is the final part and let me tell you I'm SAD. It was so hard to write the ending you all deserve after all this love, so I tried my best. Let me know what you think! Also, you deserve A LOT, so I made it long hehehe. Don't worry, a request about the RATH universe is coming soon! If you want one too, drop it in my inbox!

(1), (2), (3), (4)

Plot: The story of how Azriel fixed what was broken, and how you forgave him.

Warnings: this is sad, but has a happy ending! Also, mental health issues.

No one expected the sidra to froze that year, and against everyone expectation, one day Velaris had woken up to see the riven covered by a silver layer. Children had missed school to skate in the solid surface, parents watching carefully from the edge. Some couples were skating too, holding hands and giggling endlessly.

You had been watching the new scene unfold all morning. And while you usually loved snow and ice as much as any child in town, you were starting to get a little sick of all the noise.

It wasn’t your new employee situation, who had been staring at the river all morning. She had already finished her duties, but always the polite and nice girl, Elain Archeron was keeping you company.

When you spotted for the third time the familiar red-head through the glass and she didn’t say anything, just sighed, you decided you had enough.

“You should tell him to get in before he freezes to death” you commented, still busy with measuring the ingredients.

“Oh, no” Elain blushed and looked away from the window. “No. He’s just… He can wait”

“He can, but doesn’t have to. You and Lucien should head out, rent ice skates and have a fun day. You already finished here” you smiled kindly at her, and before she could reply, you added. “I’m fine, I don’t even like cold weather. And I still need to finish this, which you can’t help me with. So, go”

Elain stared at you with uncertainty, and you tried to look as convinced as possible. Would you have liked her to stay? After all, she was one of the few people you socialized with these days. She had turned in when you opened the bakery again, right after you posted the sign about looking for a new partner.

And even if you had had your doubts when you discovered she was Feyre’s sister and Azriel’s friend, you considered her your own friend.

So, yeah, you would have liked her to stay. Because you were still awfully sad all the time, and her company was one of the few things that made your day better. But you being sad didn’t excuse her missing a wonderful day with her mate.

“It’s not closing time yet” her eyes danced between the glass and you. “He was supposed to wait for me at the house”

“Guess he’s too eager to see you. He’s been dancing around the bakery for a good hour” you chuckled. “Elain, I mean it. Go. Have fun. I’ll see you on Monday”

“Y/N, I promise I don’t mind waiting. It’s not like it will unfreeze”

“And I promise I don’t mind at all. So, go, have fun and tell me about it on Monday” you gripped her hand softly over the counter, nodding to the waiting mal outside. “Come on, go”

Lucien was once more outside the bakery, the only visible part of him his red hair. He was covered in thick layers, but still managed to smile when Elain kissed your cheek and took her coat on the way out.

You didn’t have it in you to watch them be affectionate with each other, so you looked down at your task and decided it would be the last of the day.

It was hard watching all those couples walking hand in hand and remembering the feel of his warm, scarred hand in yours. To hear a man laughing and remember the unexpected laughs you dragged out of him sometimes. Even looking at the river was painful, because you could almost see the ghost of Azriel and you learning how to skate in a frozen lake in the Illyrian mountains a few years ago.

You had seen Azriel around a few times now, walking through your bakery and waving at you through the glass. Two times he had been waiting at the door when it was late at night, silently walking you home from afar without talking. Almost two months had passed by and your feelings were still as messed up as before.

Though you didn’t cry as much as before, and you were starting to get better, you still wondered.

If Azriel getting help would mean your relationship would be fixed, or if it was broken permanently. Deep in your thoughts, and used as you were to Azriel’s shadows, you didn’t notice how they tugged on your apron until the door sounded again.

Elain’s name didn’t leave your lips, because as soon as the door opened, you lost your breath. As if you had summoned him, Azriel walked through the door, beautiful as ever. He wasn’t in his usual training leather, but winter clothes that fit him as a glove. Instantly, you noticed he had lost weight. His shoulders were slumped and his body didn’t carry the usual grace of an Illyrian warrior.

“Hi”

His scarred hands, that had held you so many times and slaughtered so many enemies, were tucked in his coat’s pockets. You could feel the nervousness through the bond, the hesitance. Too stunned to answer, you only stared at him.

You had known that, eventually, he would talk to you. That you would have to do more than just wave at each other through the glass and stay silent when he sent you details through Elain. But still, you hadn’t expected it.

Unable to move, you only blinked.

“I saw Elain and Lucien heading out” he added, not looking away from you. “It’s a nice day outside”

Azriel hadn’t finished before one of his new shadows scaped his control, sneaking around the counter. The familiar ones, that had been by your side since he left, danced around the new intrusion. It lifted your apron, and crawled up your neck.

The cool feeling was the last of your worries, because no matter how much you willed yourself to say something, you couldn’t even tear your eyes from him.

The bond flickered between the two of you, once more. Knowing that it was one-sided, that he didn’t wear it like you did, made break your trance.

“She’s finished for the day” you explained, sounding way more confident that what you felt.

“It’s a nice day, yeah” he repeated, not giving you time to feel awkward before he continued “I thought that maybe you wanted to take a walk with me. It’s cold, but we could… get coffee. Or chocolate, if you want”

Azriel gave you a half, broken smile. Hearing his voice again made you take ten steps backward.

“I have things to do”

You looked down to your current task, which could be easily discarded. You had left much important things half-done because of him, and you would have done it normally without a second thoughts. But no matter how heartful the conversation at your door had been, you just knew you weren’t ready to have a conversation without getting angry.

You knew you weren’t ready to forgive him.

His new shadow gripped your wrist tightly before disappearing, and you heard Azriel’s doubt. He wanted to say something else, and you wanted too. Still, you fell back to your measuring and ignored the way your vision blurred, how your knees became weak again.

Maybe going back to your duties was the only way not to break down again.

The silence continued for a long minute. You couldn’t not feel his presence, the way his scent filled the bakery and made your stomach turn. Your heart recognized what you needed, what you wanted, and threatened to jump out of your chest.

Before you could regret your words, Azriel opened the door again.

“You’re forgetting the yeast” he said, his voice thick with emotion.

When you looked up again, he only smiled. You opened your mouth to tell him to wait, maybe to fuck off and never come again. You didn’t have time, because Azriel closed the door behind him and he was gone.

The first tear fell against the unformed dough, followed by many more. You wouldn’t be finishing the blueberry cake that afternoon, you realized, as you crunched behind the counter and cried.

There was a storm coming, and everyone in Velaris had had the same idea – run to the market, buy everything they needed for a few days, and crowd themselves at home with their loved ones. You were trying to follow the first part of the plan, not having anyone to go home anymore. And if that wasn’t enough reason to drag you down, the crowd was getting intense.

Velaris’ market was a beautiful place, full of shops and nice vendors. But that day, the space felt too small.

You already had a few bags with you, yet there were a few more to go. Wanting to finish as soon as possible, you had ignored the rational part of your brain and had gotten in the middle of the crowd. You had only managed to buy milk and pasta, and still had a long way to go.

After Azriel’s brief appearance, your life had been messier than before. He had come by the bakery at least five times more, always offering you some kind of plan you rejected. Going to the park, for a flight or to a coffee shop. Taking walks, watching the sunset or training together.

You lived now half-prepared to see him walking through your door again, and not having the heart to tell him no. You weren’t sure if that thought frightened or comforted you.

In your haste, you had almost forgotten to buy provisions for the storm, and had found yourself on the worst day to do them. Crowded, loud and suffocating, that was how you would describe the market at that moment.

The fact that most people ran with their children and family wasn’t helpful at all.

Most of the times, it was Azriel who did the last-minute shopping for you. He knew you didn’t like crowds, loud places, that you did best in your bakery where only five people were allowed at a time.

Another shove broke you down from your daydreaming, and you looked back to see a pregnant woman staring with her eyebrows furrowed.

“The line is moving” she spatted, pointing to the small space ahead of you. “If you don’t move with it, you should step out”

“Oh, no” you chuckled softly. You picked up the bags on the ground and took the two small steps that you were supposed to. “Sorry, I just thought I could take a little bit more space. It’s crowded here”

“I don’t mind crowds, so if you want to step back, let me get first. I’m in a hurry”

“Me too” you gave her a polite smile, mindful of her state.

The short distance that separated you from the customer on the front was certainly not enough, and she knew it. Still, she looked at you with disapproval. There were only five more people to go until it was your turn, you could buy your snacks and run to the next stall.

You thought you could ignore the glare at the back of your neck, and you did for a few minutes. Without meaning to, you thought how everything with Azriel was easier. Not only people wouldn’t dare to talk to him like that, but also, he assured you a good meter of distance between you two and the rest of the world with his wings.

The snacks on your hands almost fell when, not even two seconds after the man took three steps forward, you were shoved again.

That time, when you looked back, the woman was accompanied by her mate. His wings covered her from the people behind them.

“You should really step out of the line” she repeated. “You might have all the time in the word, but we are in a hurry”

“Me too. You can’t expect me to be glued to that man” you tried to explain, anxiety coiling in your stomach. “He just moved”

“And you didn’t, which proves my point. Besides, it’s obvious you only have a few things. We have more”

“Which should be enough reason to let me go first, not only because I was here before you” you shrugged, feeling even more uncomfortable when the male huffed a laugh. “Maybe it’s you who shouldn’t have come here today if you can’t wait in a line”

You weren’t a threat for the woman, and you were trying really hard to be polite and prove your point. Besides, being pregnant wasn’t an easy task, and you could tell she was far along. Maybe you should have let her pass, or maybe told her to fuck off.

But before you could argue further, something clicked in the male’s eyes, wide with recognition.

And you would have preferred for him to go full berserk mode on you. Because you recognized that look, you had been receiving them for a while now.

The male elbowed the woman’s side softly, pointing with his chin towards you. You didn’t have time to turn back and avoid the conversation, because he spoke.

“You’re the shadowsinger’s mate” he announced, loud enough to make a few heads turn.

“Oh” the woman finally connected the dots and lunged forward to grab your arm so tight you couldn’t shake her off. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you”

“It’s fine. Don’t worry” you pushed your arm back, trying to let go.

While the woman apologized, you couldn’t help but listen to the whispers. The same ones you had heard in your bakery and through the streets. Some of them thrown in your face by rude or nosy customers that didn’t understand the concept of privacy, others by bystanders.

At the end, it was the woman who said it out loud, confirming what everyone in the small circle that had formed at the cue was wondering about. She finally let go of your arm and crossed hers in front of her body.

The look of pity wasn’t as bad as the confirmation.

“He rejected you, right?” it wasn’t a question, not when you didn’t answer and she continued. “We heard you’ve been mated for almost a century and he doesn’t want the bond. Is that true?”

It wasn’t true, but you didn’t have the heart to correct her. Instead, you turned around and used your wing-less privileges to sneak through the crowd. You kept your head down, as if that could stop you from hearing the comments or feeling the stares.

People had come up with an alternative version where Azriel and you had been mated for decades, for centuries. Where you had cheated on him or he had changed you for someone else. You had even heard that he had bonded with another person and had kicked you out of the house, and that you had been the one rejecting the bond.

Each version was farthest from the truth than the last one, but they all hurt the same. The crowd didn’t seem to get thinner no matter how deep you got in the market. Once the people who had heard the conversation were left behind, new people crowded you, worried about the girl panicking and running through the middle of the market.

There were a few occasions where you thought you would fall, where you tripped and almost embarrassed yourself farther. You had almost made it to the back entrance of the market when you finally realized you were tripping no more. There was no longer a crowd around you, nor whispers or hands reaching your way.

It took you another few steps to fully stop and assess the situation. When you looked back to see where the crowd was, you were met with a broad chest inches away from you. Through tearful eyes, you recognized Azriel’s wings tucking you away from people, his mere presence pushing them away.

You met his hazel eyes, full of worry and regret. His hair was longer, covering his brow, but you found comfort in his crooked nose, in his freckles, that you knew so well.

You noticed in his hands your bags that had been left in the stall, a new one with the snacks you were about to buy.

“What – what are you doing here?” you choked out, too grateful for the sudden moment of peace to wonder about anything else.

“I felt you through the bond, a few hours ago. Anxious and…” he stopped himself, his eyes scanning every tear that marked your cheeks. “I was just getting here when it got worse. I heard most of it. I’m –”

“Don’t say you’re sorry” you interrupted him. “It’s not your fault”

Out of the many things that were indeed his fault, people not minding their own business wasn’t his. You were used to him blaming himself for everything, from wars in other courts to people fighting in the street. The response came naturally.

Your nose was cold and runny, your hands frozen in your pockets, and your feet hurt. Besides all of that, you felt all wrong. Because you enjoyed his presence, because what they said, and because you couldn’t help but calm down when he was close.

Azriel didn’t say anything when you took the bags from his hands, thanking him quietly. He didn’t say anything as more people walked away from him, either because of his wings or because they recognized him.

“You don’t like last minute shopping”

It was a pointless observation, but it was better than to comment on how afraid he had been when, just outside the market, he felt the bond snap with urgence. His shadows knew where you were, and that you needed him, but even he had trouble running through crowds. Azriel also couldn’t talk about how mad he had been at everyone in that stall, how his new shadows had turned off every light and almost chocked them to death.

Azriel wanted to say that you were probably cold because you didn’t like your own coats, and most of the times wore one of his. He wanted to hug you, too, to feel you between his arms after what felt like an eternity and promise you that it would end well.

But he couldn’t say anything more than the obvious.

“I had to” you answered.

With a furious fist, frustrated at life, at him and at you, you brushed the tears off your cheeks. You could tell that he wanted to keep talking, and you did too. Since your last encounter, you had come up with more conversations you should have.

You stared at each other for what seemed forever. There were details that you had almost forgotten in your sorrow – like his long lashes, that you teased him about. Or the freckle that snuck up to the corner of his left eye. The way his mouth rose higher from the right, and the small scar on his ear from where Cassian dared him to wear an earring.

Only his face was enchanting enough to help you forget about the day, about the weight of your chest. It was the first closing call from the market, that sounded through the public speakers, that broke you away.

“I should go”

You talked at the same time, and you smiled softly when you pointed to different directions. You didn’t miss how his eyes fell to your mouth, how his own lifted up too.

“I could walk you back” he offered, not tearing his eyes away from your mouth. “If you let me”

You didn’t answer immediately. Those last words, that he had repeated so often lately, almost had you saying yes. You could almost imagine how it would go – him walking by your side, one of his wings behind your back. His elbow brushing yours, and his gaze fixed on you.

Your smile dropped when you remembered the times you had walked just like that, tucked together. The times you had waked by yourself through Velaris with his imprint on you, and the times he had left without a trace of your presence.

Azriel knew the answer before you said it, and his shoulders dropped slightly.

“Sorry”

That time, you decided to turn away before he could. Taking the back exit was a poor choice, knowing it was farther from your house than the main one, but you couldn’t picture yourself walking through the market without Azriel keeping the crowds a step away.

So you turned around, gripped your bags tight and didn’t tear your eyes from the ground during the whole way back.

It wasn’t Azriel who found you the time everything changed, but you.

The cold and winter were over, the streets were clean and the sun was out. It was a perfect day to spend outside, and Elain seemed fixed in throwing you out of your own shop. She claimed that the bags under your eyes were as dark as the night, and that your skin was so pale that she couldn’t tell the flour stains apart from it.

“Just for the record, you’re kicking the owner of the bakery out of the bakery” you stated, looking at her once more from the door. “You do realize that shouldn’t happen, right?”

“I’m helping a friend come out of her ghost-like season” she replied, still decorating muffins. “And you do realize that most shops close on Sunday’s, right?”

“Certainly not a bakery” you looked to the empty fountain at her right. “If we do it together, we will – “

“If you touch one single item of this bakery, I’m banning you from the kitchen for a month”

You doubted she meant it, she could. But still, you sighed and turned around to open the door. You weren’t an extrovert, certainly not an outsider. Since you were a child, you liked your kitchen, your house, and your space. And none of those things were outside the door.

But you actually feared what the fae you left behind would do if you turned back. Elain had already hidden your apron so you couldn’t put it on, and had threatened to mismatch the soy milk with normal one.

Giving her a last, tight smile through the glass, you walked towards the center of Velaris.

Not many people were outside that soon on a Sunday morning, but you were glad for her insistence the moment the sun kissed your face. The cold weather was disappearing and you could feel warmth across your cheeks. It was still cold, and it would be for at least another week, but the change in the weather promised a happy spring.

You walked aimlessly around Velaris, stopping to watch the Sidra move every now and then. Your feet carried you through unfamiliar streets, all of them filled with colors and smells. The longer you walked, the healthier you felt. Each step felt like a weight lifted from your chest, and you even smiled to a few usuals you found in the streets.

The main square peeked through the streets. It wasn’t your usual destination, too crowded and not as pretty as other parts of the town. But you still walked through it, feeling at ease and happy.

It had happened before, usually the days before you started your cycle, and you should have known the feeling of ease had nothing to do with the weather or the walk. It had happened and it happened again, just as you rounded a corner to walk in the square.

If, by any chance, Azriel hadn’t noticed you coming, the shadows that tugged him away from where he was standing would have made it obvious.

His eyes widened when he saw you, and you felt that peaceful feeling making its home for the day. There was no sorrow, no sadness, and none of the usual feelings that lately you felt when it came to him.

You cursed yourself stupid when you realized that you cycle was coming, and that every year you were in a mood until Azriel showed up, your hormones demanding your mate.

“Y/N”

Your name fell from your mouth and just by hearing it you noticed something different. It was new, and at the same time, you thought you recognized it somehow. You looked to his empty hands, to the syphons on his shoulders and chest and truth-teller on his side.

It looked like you had interrupted something important to him. But instead of running away from him like the last two times, you took a step closer.

“Are you going on a mission?” you pointed with your chin to his leather, eyes stopping at his chest. There was that thing, that you couldn’t name.

“Just came back. I was…”

Azriel looked to the building he just exited and for a moment, in silence. You had met a bunch of times since the incident in the market, and you had started having longer conversations. About the weather, about your bakery, and even about his family, who you finally knew officially.

Certainly, your relationship had improved, although it wasn’t just fixed yet. When he didn’t answer, you were reminded of all the times he had kept things to himself, either out of fear or doubt.

He seemed to doubt between telling you and keeping it to himself. Any other time, you knew, he would have kept it to himself. He had done it, in the past – when you asked him about his job, or tried to understand his past. Many times where he had evaded the truth or his emotions.

Your mood, that had been in a rush since you left the bakery, fell a little at his silence. He looked torn and you were ready to leave, before he answered.

“This is Madja’s house. I meet her here so we can talk, usually during the week” he looked back at you, watching the surprise of his statement. “But something happened and I needed to talk to her”

“What happened?”

Azriel’s lips were pressed tight, debating on whether he should tell you or not. He wouldn’t have doubted about it a year ago – he wouldn’t tell you, because in his eyes, it would only hurt you more than he already had. But he had learnt new things, and had realized that a relationship was built on trust. And that his fears, his perception of the reality, had broken yours.

He had cut the mission short when he had noticed, though he wasn’t sure he had ever done something like that. Azriel didn’t know what had triggered it, why it happened in the Winter court and not anytime sooner.

Madja, of course, had had an answer ready – an answer that had left him staring at her door for long twenty minutes before you appeared.

“Kallias should have sent something to Rhysand, but he didn’t” he started, not sure why he was traveling so far from the event. “So I went to check. Turns out someone must have taken it and, well, I tried to…”

He trailed off before he could finish, aware of your confusion. You never talked about what he did for Rhysand, in any court. No matter how big or small was the assignment, he didn’t tell you about it.

But that wasn’t what your confusion was about, at least not all of it. You couldn’t possibly notice because you had given it for granted since the beginning, but Azriel did notice. He noticed the change as soon as it happened, and babbled when he explained to Rhysand what he should have been feeling for years.

Had explained to Madja moments ago, who had given him a knowing smile and a proud nod.

“I accepted the bond” he confessed, continuing before you could say anything else. “I don’t know how, or why, but I was there and suddenly I was hit with – with this in my chest, and I don’t know why it wouldn’t happen sooner”

“You accepted the bond” you repeated, looking between his chest and face.

“I don’t know how, or why now. I was, thinking… And it hit me” Azriel smiled sadly, not saying what his thoughts were about – what they had been about since that night. “I didn’t want to tell you, because, this is, you don’t have to do anything now. Me accepting the bond doesn’t change what I did”

Azriel hadn’t meant to tell you, neither to be so vague and ridiculously nervous about it.

It had been a surprise when, in the middle of a conversation, he felt it. He had been thinking about you, because there were flowers and they were pretty against the cold weather, and to him, you were the prettiest thing the Cauldron had made. One moment Kallias had been going through the last movements of the package and the next the high lord was looking at him with raised brows.

Congratulating him for something that should have happened six years ago.

“It’s not that I didn’t want the bond before, Y/N” he continued when you didn’t say anything. “I promise you, I didn’t know how to accept it. I didn’t know that I deserved it”

Azriel had thought, and he still wanted to, that you so pretty that you were meant for someone else. That it was borrowed time, that he didn’t deserve the bond just as he didn’t deserve you. With Madja and Rhys, they had had deep conversations about his mental health, about his version of life where he lived through a glass of pain and rejection.

As he stared at your surprised form, he tried not to let hope leak into his heart. He knew it didn’t fix what was broken, but he hoped it was the first step of a long recovery to win you back.

Only if you could confirm or deny, instead of stare at him.

“Say something” Azriel finally broke, almost begged. “Whatever you want. Just say something”

And you wanted to, because wasn’t that what you had wanted? You had fooled yourself lately thinking about may what ifs. What if he had accepted the bond in the bagging, what if he had told you that he wasn’t fine, that he was broken and needed help.

What if you had helped him and not rushed things when he wasn’t ready. Now, it felt like the Cauldron was giving you that opportunity, only that you didn’t know how to react.

You finally looked away from him and decided to give an experimental tug on the bond, to see if anything had changed.

It had.

“Az”

It was a chuckle, maybe the beginning of a cry. It was anger but also relief because what came back from that tug wasn’t what you usually felt. It was stronger, solid, as if there was a physical string between your bodies that kept you linked.

Usually, it was just an intense feeling that was enough for you. But now that you felt him tugging back, felt him loving you, you couldn’t hold back another laugh. He shoved down through it everything he felt – adoration, love, joy. Many fears that had you stumbling towards him, and pain.

So much pain that your smile dropped. His dropped too, and you felt the bond getting fainter.

“That’s another reason. I didn’t want you to feel… that” Azriel retreated the bond farther. “I have so many fears and pains here that I couldn’t even imagine sharing them with you. And that – “

“You don’t have to feel ashamed” you cut him off, your voice hoarse. “I love you the same”

Words were unnecessary when you hugged his middle and buried yourself in his chest. He curled around you, like he had done so many times.

The channel snapped open again, and you just closed your eyes tightly. It was an endless source of emotions, and it broke you that most of them were bad. There was rejection, from so many people that it felt like an angry, black bull coming your way. Sadness that felt overwhelming and never ending, always coming in waves when Azriel didn’t expect it.

You also felt disgust, and you only held him tighter when you discovered it was self-disgust. Not only at the things that he had done, but also at what had been done to him. The scars on his hands, the shadows around him. He had hated himself for so long he had forgotten how to love.

But then, at the bottom, there was something bright, and that part you realized it was only dedicated to you. There was his family too, but it wasn’t as intense as his love for you. Everything that he lacked during his life, that he yearned for, was tucked where it mattered the most.

“I love you” he whispered against your head, softly. “I love you”

You didn’t answer, just raised your head until you could brush your lips against him. Later, you would have time to blame the cycle, which you wouldn’t get for another two months, or the emotions of the moment. But you knew it was just what you needed, what you both deserved, when you felt him kissing back.

At the beginning, it was just his lips against yours, and it was enough. Your noses brushed each other, you got on your tiptoes and his wing cocooned both of you. His hands only pressed you tighter against his body when you moved your lips against his, brushing the edge of your tongue against his bottom one.

Azriel could barely keep himself straight when you silently asked for permission to open his mouth, which he happily obliged.

From that moment, it was crashing. The kiss was only a physical proof of your feelings traveling through the mated bond, so wild and intense you couldn’t tell which one was his or yours.

“I’m sorry, darling” he whispered against your lips, giving you no time to reply. “I’m sorry for hurting you, for being a coward. I’m sorry”

“I forgive you. We don’t keep secrets anymore” you managed to say between kisses.

“Never” Azriel answered while leaving kisses on your cheeks and nose.”

“And we’ll talk about our emotions, and feelings. You’ll tell me about your life when I ask”

“Always”

“You won’t close off to me” you pulled his head away and made him look at you.

While you held his face between your hands, Azriel smiled. It was a different smile from the previous ones, from the ones you had seen so far. It was carefree, loving, and yours.

Your thumb brushed the corner of his eye, his upper cheek, the border of his nose.

“I’m here, Azriel. Always. So you don’t have to hide anything from me, or to be ashamed or afraid. I’m here” you closed the distance once more, controlling the kiss by holding onto his face. “Right around the corner”

“Right around the corner” he repeated, dipping his head and sealing all his promises with another kiss.

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infiniteetcetera · 7 months ago

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My next weekly controversial ACOTAR post: A defense of Azriel, because if I see one more post saying he has no personality or is an incel (but also an f-boy apparently) then it’s game over

Azriel is such an interesting and complex character I think it’s an incredible shame so many readers misinterpret him just because his character is shown is small bursts rather than loud blasts. SO i’m not going to try and defend him because this man has done nothing wrong, instead I’ll provide y’all with a list of moments that prove both that Azriel DOES have a personality and that’s it’s a loveable one:

•He tells Feyre that Cassian is annoying right up front (a small thing but I appreciate it)

• He spent the night at Rita’s with Feyre, playing silly games betting on Rhys’ dating life (funny for so many reasons) and making her feel comfortable in an overwhelming situation

•Even though he’s quiet and private, he confides to Feyre he doesn’t know where he belongs after 500 years and feels he doesn’t fit in to reassure her that the feelings she’s having are normal

•He was reassuring and polite to Elain and Nesta when they first meet

•Acknowledged that it was a risk and a sacrifice for Nesta and Elain to lend them their house and was thankful rather than antagonistic or rude (*cough cough Cassian*) and met them both with a protective regard to Feyre but an open mind about their circumstances

•Is so upset by the mysogny and abuse in Illyria he straight up refuses to go there because he will not play nice and polite with these jerks like Rhys and Cas do

•In Feyre’s own words, she trusts him well enough that if Rhys was ever doing something to harm her/locking her up like Tamlin did she believes he would not only save her but deal with Rhys himself if it came to it

•Follow up on above, he spies on Amren against Rhys’ orders. When Feyre asks about it Amren says Azriel is the most disobedient of the IC (some of them could never) because he’s willing to do what is right over what Rhys thinks is right (hot)

•Gave Feyre such a stunning smile after she accepts the mating bond that Rhys is filled with jealousy and ready to attack (that is to say, this man is very pretty and deserves credit for it)

•Amren putting her head on his shoulder after battle because she’s tired and everyone (including him) is shocked but he’s polite about it and also it just radiates male worth trusting vibes

•Was literally bleeding out screaming crying throwing up poisoned and still sassed the king of Hybern for Mor and Feyre

•When Cassian is trying to make Lucien uncomfortable Azriel KICKS HIM (all the Azriel is so mean/hates Lucien people come down to reality please)

•When Cassian implies something rude about Nesta and Mor wants to join in Azriel shoots her a look to stop (yes the Az that is supposedly obsessed with Mor and her opinion of him) and Feyre describes said look as as if they had talked about it many times before so YES EVEN PRE-ACOWAR THIS MAN WAS SUPPORTING NESTA

•Feyre and Mor both agree he’s the only one with manners

•He laughed at Nesta’s sassy comment to Mor because man respects good comedy

•When Cassian makes a sexist joke and implies Az is thinking the same thing not only does Azriel not engage with his tomfoolery but Mor cuts in to defend him as the only batboy who never says such things

•Just the ENTIRE sequence of him training Feyre to fly. He’s so sweet and witty and charming

•So gentle and reassuring to Elain, offering to show her the garden and carrying her all the way up to the house

•Him taking care of Feyres injuries from the flying lessons. Again just always being so gentle and sweet. He trusts her enough not to go easy on her but isn’t cruel and overworking either

•The entire Nephelle story and just the fact Rhys gave the story to Azriel as a “gift” this boy appreciates sweet stories about underdog lesbians with wings and I love it

•Just him paying such close careful attention to Elain and recognizing she is a seer, him talking her through her visions and helping reassure her she’s not crazy (he knows what that feels like)

•Even though he hates Illyrians, he helps Cassian break the news to the families of those who lost warriors in the war

•Just “I don’t see you spouting poetry brother” “I don’t need to resort to it😩🔥”

•BE CAREFUL HOW YOU SPEAK ABOUT MY HIGH LADY

•Eris uttered the word “slut” about a woman and this man ATTACKED. Like I am an Eris stan and I know some people don’t like this scene but it’s the true feminist energy I need

•Ignoring Rhys’ order to stand down but stopping the second Feyre says something bc this man respects women’s authority (t’s literally an intentional way of demonstrating Feyres power right after she was belittled by Tamlin. people act like he was rabid in this scene but it seems so clear to me he was intentionally doing this to support his high lady)

•Was the first to realize something was wrong with Elain (also has a sweet exchange of looks with Nesta over it, like they are homegirl’s designated protectors)

•Just EVERYTHING about him volunteering to get Elain back. Whether you ship Elriel or not this was such a sweet moment. He doesn’t hesitate at all even when Nesta says it’s a death wish and everyone’s sentiment starts to change.

•Everything about him saving Elain and the human girl. Just 10/10 all around, hot, stunning, sweet, incredible, precious angel of death boy

•Az is so badly wounded after the rescue mission that Rhys and the others who see him are shocked but he refused to set Elain down (even though she’s not hurt) until Rhys takes her and the first thing he asks is for Helion to come unchain her (not anything for himself). Again just SOOO sweet and caring whether you ship Elriel or not

•Another Elriel moment but well they happen, Az giving her truth teller is just🤧 he’s never lent out this blade to his brothers or anyone else, we know it has some special brand of magic and he likely does too and he offers it to Elain to give her a sense of safety (again even if you don’t ship them it’s just so considerate)

•”Chain me to a tree Rhys, I’ll rip it out of the ground and fly with it on my damned back” LIKE TELL ME THAT ISNT HOT

•A super small moment but after the war when the boys are watching the sisters/Mor laughing and Rhys starts crying Az tells him “it’s real” and I just think the intuitive understanding and care behind that is so sweet (especially when Az is so misunderstood by his brothers)

•This sounds more like a hate comment to Rhys/Cassian than pro Az but when Rhys admits he and Cassian used to beat Azriel for hours to get him to speak to them and he never would, I think that’s such crazy determination and resolve and also he’s wayyyyy nicer than me for still putting up with them after that

•HIM REFUSING TO SPY ON LUCIEN. I just love that degree of respect it’s made even better by the fact Rhys asks about Lucien a second time bc he literally assumes Az was joking and Azriel’s just like “nope not doing it” (again people who say he hates Lucien, please)

•Him finding drunk Cassian and Feyre and trying to fix their terrible decorations the just chugging some wine himself😭 he’s so funny AND sweet

•”Sit, I’ll take care of it.” I NEED THIS ENERGY FROM EVERY MAN EVER PLEASE

•Also him telling everyone to wait for Elain because she’s literally the one who cooked and them eating before her would be rude and I just IWJDKWKDN again so hot and polite and it’s not even a romance/flirting thing bc when Elain comes back and she/Cas give him the opportunity to take credit he doesn’t at all?? He just did it because it’s right and proper

•Him insulting Amren to defend Elain (and then blushing when everyone laughs at his joke) he’s precious (and funny af)

•Him dying at Elains gift JMEKXNEKD the IC stresses him fr and he’s waiting for someone to free him

•Him being nice about Mor’s awful gifts even though she’s known him for 500 years and still gets him awful gifts and also exchanges lingerie with Cassian to his (and Nesta’s) face even though she thinks Az is in love with her

•Half compliment to Az half complaint about Cassian, but when there’s mention of all the universe research Rhys does in ACOSF Cassians like “Rhys told him and he instantly forgot” but As is super interested and listens intently and wants to learn more and I just love a boy with hobbies and interests😩

•Small thing but when he first sees Nes in the house of wind in ACOSF he smiles and is so polite and Nesta tells us for like a whole paragraph how beautiful he is and I trust that woman above all

•Also in reference to the above, Nesta chats with Az for like 10 seconds and instantly wants to train with him over Cas because she knows he’d be better to her

•Azriel blushing when Nesta calls him pretty✨ (such a sweet lover boy I swear)

•He laughs at Nesta’s insults to Cassian but holds back from laughing at Cassians✨

•The only one who literally JUST ASKS why Nesta won’t train and also sparks the idea in Cassians obtuse head that it might be because she doesn’t want to train in Illyria (VALID)

•I know people have mixed takes about how the scene is written but him asking Nesta if she was pushed down the stairs feels genuine to me, like he asks the question very pointedly serious and focuses just on Nesta, his vague amusement after is only in regard to Cassians dumb reaction but the fact he asked her and the way in which he does it (ignoring Cassians input and still waiting for Nesta’s answer) shows genuine consideration to her (still a stranger to him for all intents and purposes) over his brother’s feelings

•Him paying such careful attention to Nesta and being the only one who never starts fights with her to such a strong degree that even Nesta feels too seen by him

•Such a basic thing (but it’s not when you look at the quality of other ACOTAR men unfortunately) but when Cassian asks him if he wants kids he says it’s not his decision (like this is why I hate the anti-elriel “elain can’t bare his children” argument, I assure you Az does not gaf)

•”Azriel had never said a bad word about Nesta” and i’m not supposed to stan???

•Also the fact he doesn’t like hand to hand combat bc he doesn’t like getting covered in people’s sweat JEKKDKW I know it’s just a gag Cas jokes about but there’s something so funny and refined about that

•Him being so competitive is hot honestly😩 especially how Cassian describes it as not being in an arrogant or scary way but in a very strategic sort of manner, how he’s often the only one who can compete with Rhys (who was trained for this stuff since birth) like YES

•Az getting flustered and awkwardly walking away when he sees how Nesta is staring at him and Cas KEKKDKE i so highly appreciate his balance between confident and shy boy

•Him and Nesta smiling about Cassians stupidity, being “allies against his insanity,” again, Az just being a friend to her is so sweet (and important given it’s like the one thing Nesta needed in this book)

•Not only does he vote with Cas against keeping things from Nes but when Amren starts saying lewd things about her it’s Azriel (not Cassian bc apparently he could never) who tells her to STFU about Nesta

•Amren tells the boys NOT to touch the sword and Az is legit the only one who tries to listen (the ONLY bat boy with brain cells half the time)

•Just the fact that once he starts training the Priestesses with Cas Nesta notes a bunch of them seem to have crushes on him. Like these girls who have been so traumatized by men they can barely stand to be in public feel that comfortable with him so quickly, he just radiates safe energy

•Also a small moment but him awkwardly smiling the first time he sees Gwyn at training and just trying to act casual to not make her feel weird is so sweet.

•Him dancing with Nesta “as easily as breathing” (again, their friendship means everything to me)

•When Nesta asks him why he came to solstice if seeing Elain/Lucien hurts him and he says “Because Rhys wants me here and it’d hurt him if I didn’t come” like HEJEKNDO he’s so selfless for the people he cares about FR (especially given how Rhys talks to him that same night)

•EVERYTHING about his gift to Nesta. The fact he didn’t have to give her one in the first place (it was no one’s expectation, including hers. on the surface he didn’t even get Elain a gift so it wasn’t just a polite thing). The way the gift is literally SO SWEET AND GENUINELY THOUGHTFUL like he took care not just to get her something but to get her something that would bring her joy and be useful (and is definitely based on his observations about her avoiding the fireplace)

•ALSO when she hugs him the entire room goes silent because they’re just that shocked but he just laughs and hugs her gently and then is blushing after like ANDKEKD

•The entire relationship he forms with Gwyn and how he notes shes competitive and uses that to help inspire her in training and even when he’s teasing her he’s so potently rooting for her too

•Him being nervous about holding baby Nyx with his scarred hands like this precious angel IEKKDKW

Most Offending Thing, His Bonus Chapter (the good and the bad)

•Him scheming about a snowball fight for a whole year is hilarious

•Also him including in his plotting that Cassian would be up all night with Nesta (little did he know his boy only lasts like one round, that and Cassian being so horrified at the thought of Az finding out about him being quick off the mark with Nesta, I just know Az is the stamina king)

•Even his shadows just want him to sleep but your boy is too depressed

•I’m sorry but everything about his and Elains almost kiss is HOT people who think it was overly sexualized or something have missed all the first thoughts we get from like every SJM boy about their LI (ROWAN IN QOS FR) and also the fact that this tension has obviously been brewing for a while??? he’s been avoiding her because it’s that palpable and ELAIN KNOWS IT. it’s a mutual thing it doesnt mean there isn’t romance beneath it or that he’s a creep for wanting her after a year of putting off his feelings

Brief interlude, his offending lines:

•”My two brothers are with two of those sisters but the third was given to another” - the language here might make you uncomfortable but that’s because MATING BONDS ARE UNCOMFORTABLE. we’re told by Rhys himself that they’re often used to “give” a female to a male. the distinction he makes here that Feyre/Nes are “with” Rhys/Cas but Elain was “given” to Lucien is because Elucien is the only mating bond example we’ve followed in this series where the foundation is not love and choice. Azriel does not feel entitled/think he deserves Elain. In this same chapter he feels unworthy to even touch her, stands outside in the freezing cold until he’s “again nothing at all.” Mor tells us all the way back in ACOMAF that he feels completely undeserving of love. Azriel does not think he deserves Elain just because Rhys said so (Az LITERALLY glares at him for saying it). Azriel brought up a valid point (that other characters have too) that the Archeron sisters (who have comparable power) would makes sense all mated to the bat boys (again, comparable power) since we know that’s a crux of mating bonds. Not to mention, Azriel and Elain genuinely just like each other and always have, more so than any of the mated couples even. From a logical standpoint, they would make sense as mates. Even this ships haters say they would be “too predictable/obvious” like SO YOU AGREE THEY MAKE EASY LOGICAL SENSE that’s what Az is implying.

•”Lucien will never be good enough for her” I’ve seen a lot of people use this line to say Az hates/drags Lucien but that’s not how I interpret it at all. First off, all of Az’s other actions (i’ve listed some above) show he’s actually very considerate of/trusting in regards to Lucien. This line to me reads less as “lucien is a bad/undeserving person” and more “Lucien is not what Elain wants” (right after he says she has no interest in him). From Azriel’s POV (and ours my fellow readers) Lucien has done nothing to win over Elain. Yes he’s been polite and I applaud him for that over others actions with their mates (cough cough Cassian) but he’s also never sought her out for a real conversation about the bond, never had any sort of “clicking” moment with her, and still after years just makes her uncomfortable (as far as we and Az know). I think it makes perfect sense to infer from this Lucien is not “good enough” in regards to what Elain is seeking (I think the easiest way I can put this is the idea of “somebody can be perfect but still not perfect for you”). Is Azriel’s opinion a little biased? Yes FS, but also this girl was about to let him do filthy things to her down the hall from Lucien, I say it’s pretty safe for him to infer that she doesn’t want Lucien (and therefor never will).

•”He hadn’t gotten that far with his planning, certainly not beyond the fantasies he pleasured himself to” - I won’t repeat what I said above regarding the sexual undertones in the chapter, but also the reason why Az hadn’t thought beyond this is in the chapter and it’s not because he’s some fuck boy. AZRIEL KNOWS HE CANT HAVE A FUTURE WITH ELAIN AND DOESNT THINK HE DESERVES IT. It’s written all over their interactions together. He wanted to kiss her to have a piece of her to hold onto, not because he thinks he can have a future with her because he knows as things stand he can’t. He doesn’t want to plan to push her/seduce her (like rhys implies) or anything because he doesn’t feel worthy of her and knows circumstances won’t allow them to be together safely. What’s driving him crazy and keeping him up at night with fantasies is that they do both want each other, but imagining a life where they could have more than that and be happy together is impossible for Az because he’s someone who has never prioritized his happiness and does not expect it.

•”I’ll defeat him with little effort.” - Again reading comprehension I beg, this is not a diss against Lucien. If Lucien was the type of guy to invoke a blood duel because Elain chose Azriel (Lucien wouldn’t, Azriel doesn’t even think he would it’s Rhys who suggests it) then YEAH AZ CAN KICK HIS ASS WITH LITTLE EFFORT BC THAT WOULD BE A CRAPPY THING TO DO.

Back to our regularly scheduled programming

•I LOVE everything about his scene with Gwyn on the roof. His vague awkwardness, his teasing of her and trying to be polite, him actually trying to help her train (after we learn Cas has been useless, go figure), and just being so sweet and kind to her in general even though he’s probably still incredibly sad/upset🤧

•This precious boy gets a small urge to cross his arms and is thrown into a PTSD flashback of his father with his mom??? He constantly consciously makes effort not to appear scary/threatening to women because he’s that scarred from his fathers behavior😭

•Listen, I won’t try to entirely defend the necklace thing because I do think it’s weird no matter who you ship Azriel with BUT i will say my best take on it is that it’s a version of self harm/sabotage. Like the only thing that makes sense to me here is he’s subconsciously creating barriers in his relationships with both Elain/Gwyn by doing this which is honestly way less f-boy (a weird take i’ve seen from people, especially given at this point he has no plans to pursue either Elain or Gwyn) and just way more very sad.

FINALLY, sprinkles from HOFAS:

•He’s so FINE in this book

•His silly little things like kicking rocks while trailing Nesta and Bryce to make a point are SO funny

•Him and Nesta working so well together, may not be a point in his favor but it makes me happy

•Azriel loving and defending his mom✨

•Azriel barely snapping at Nesta and then immediately apologizing and saying he loves her. THAT is more emotional intelligence than any other male in ACOTAR has shown

•Him liking club music but also being embarrassed about it? Adorable

•Everything about his interactions with Bryce in this book strike me so hard because you can tell he’s trying to keep his guard up but still has a lot of sympathy for her. I think that gets to the core of who Az is: smart and distant and guarded but also genuinely kind above all

•Also so many small funny little jokes and lines

I COULD PROBABLY SAY MORE AND GO ON FOREVER BUT HOPEFULLY PEOPLE GET THE POINT :)

#a court of thorns and roses #acotar #azriel acotar #azriel shadowsinger #azriel #pro azriel #my sweet angel boy forever #elriel #nezriel #anti cassian #anti rhysand #anti amren #anti IC minus azriel honestly #pro azriel acotar

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roseadleyn · 1 month ago

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Lidia‘s SA was handled even worse. Sjm would have lidia fuck Ruhn in mind at the same time she’s getting SA‘ed by her ex. Lidia never received proper time to heal from that sh*t. The moment Ruhnlidia made up in the third book they had mf sex.

Nesta had sex with Cassian right after getting SA‘ed by that weirdo kelpie from the lake, and that other time when Lanthys made her see that vision in which he SA‘ed her too. The SA from Tomas was also never properly acknowledged.

At least Gwyn had 2 years to recover. Most SA survivors in her books don’t receive much time to at least process it all before fucking. You’re telling me Rhys is all cool with going down on Feyre after 50 years of SA? Feyre can easily forget the sh*t Rhys did to her utm? Great.

If Gwynriel is canon, Sjm will most definitely fuck up her trauma like she always does.

Sjm: „Oh you were touched against your will?“

Sjm: „Here have a cock. That will heal you quickly!“

Worst of all is that the sex is always so… rough? Specifically for Nesta. At least worship her and make her feel safe instead of dicking her down like she‘s a good one night stand. Poor girl.

ya i'm just realizing that gwyn is at least not as bad as nesta or feyre or lucien or rhys or lidia. i haven't read any other sjm books but i know abt lidia and that's insane 😭 it's like she doesn't know how to write intimacy. it's like she thinks emotional connections only exist in sex.

it was insane how feyre only rescued lucien from being raped because she remembered her darling rhys and not because lucien is her first friend and also it's just the MORAL THING TO DO

( also why is it that everytime a couple fights in sjm's novels, they always have sex when they make up? i get that angry makeup sex is soo hot etc but like can no one have a conversation? can she not show how sometimes issues are talked out not fucked out? )

do NOT i hate how she wrote nesta i hate everything abt it. nesta was assaulted by tomas and when he found out he restrained her against the wall??? in the same manner tomas would have?? also i'm never going to forget how cassian tugged at the skirts of her dress and asked her 'what're you hiding under all this anyways?' without her consent, during a time in which they didn't like each other, and he was there on diplomatic purposes.

and i just checked but literally RIGHT after she was sa-ed by the kelpie, cassian not only had sex with her but he left her without any aftercare. bed still warm. rough sex as if she's a one night stand. she's sexually assaulted and then left wondering if cassian was 'punishing' her by leaving immediately. ugh i despise him i hate him.

and rhys? he literally has one (1) traumatic flashback to his trauma and whoop that's it yall we're done. and feyre wearing the same clothes she was wearing when she got assaulted for rhys, even though rhys was the one who assaulted her.

it pushes an extremely unhealthy narrative. very young girls (literally 15-16 year olds) read these books and they'll think these toxic, unrealistic, unhealthy dynamics are normal. it's so concerning and i hate the entire genre of dark romance for it but that's a story for some other angry rant

i hate the rough jackhammering sex. i fear she's gonna do the same shit with elain and lucien (😭). nesta deserves to be worshipped and praised and then given plenty of aftercare free my girlll

( for acotar stans who for some reason go into anti tags: do not interact u will be BLOCKED !!! okay bye 💋 )

#꒰ ᜊ ꒱ — wood sorrel.#ty for the ask <3 #anti acotar #anti sjm #acotar critical #sjm critical #filtering tags ->#anti rhysand #anti inner circle #anti cassian

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rizzoreads88 · 5 months ago

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“How can you still like Tamlin?!”

I’m asked this a lot so here I go.

Before I get into that it… I think tamlin is so hated because people insert their ex partners as Tamlin. I understand everyone has triggers and that’s very valid but it’s important to remember Tamlin is not anyone’s ex . People seem to only hold Tamlin (and Nesta) to todays morals and standards and no one else.He is a fictional character. Fae are not even the same as humans. I hold tamlin to the moral standards set in acotars fictional world. If we held all these characters to todays standards most of them would be awful people and considered abusers at different points in the story.

It’s also important to remember when I Talk about Tamlin I’m speaking about Tamlin within this fictional world setting. I am not talking about who he may remind anyone of in real life. I’m not talking about those actions in the real world.( it’s odd I even have to explain this but this is how the acotar fandom is )

Ok now on to why I still Love Tamlin.

He has a good heart. He helps lesser fae when no one else does… he’s known for doing whatever he has to do to fight against slavery…the summer court fae went to the spring court because he knew it was safe space and tamlin buried him w his own hands… he gave himself up to his childhood predator to try and protect feyre from her… he set feyres family up for life and was still taking care of them financially even after she was w Rhys for a bit… he got her fathers leg healed… the only reason why feyres dad could get those ships was because of tamlins money..he took Lucien in when he had nowhere to go and gave him a position of power and protection w that title from beron, he was the one who went to the dawn court to get Lucien his mechanical eye… he was a double agent for the courts against Hybern when no one believed him..then after everything went to 💩 and feyre and everyone hated him he still put his life on the line and saved feyre, elain, az, briars life from hyberns camp, he dragged the autumn court and the humans into the war to help and was a huge reason they won the war and he saved rhysands life… even though rhysand would have not done that for him if the situation was reversed…he helped saved prythian twice…

Don’t get me wrong tamlin definitely did some awful things I don’t agree with or excuse but they all have done horrible things that are inexcusable. I love tamlin bc I look at his character as a whole not just his awful moments in acomaf. He is the beast from the beauty and the beast.He is a morally gray complex character like the rest of them.

In the end I am glad that Feyre ended up with Rhysand and has found her happiness. I just think Tamlin has paid his dues and been held accountable (when other characters who have done awful things are never held accountable). He deserves to heal and get his own Happy ending as well.

#acotar #sarah j maas #tamlin #pro tamlin #spring court

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cressidagrey · 6 months ago

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you'll be made of ashes too

Summary:

Elain Archeron makes the most beautiful bride.

Azriel...Azriel copes.

Warnings:

Rhys Bashing, Azriel has a horrible time

Notes:

Mostly Canon Compliant Through A Court of Silver Flame including the Azriel Bonus Chapter with some teeny tiny changes, which are explained in the story (a difference in the necklace arc). Set around 1 year into the future from that point, where it veers off wildly.

(thanks to @firefly-graphics for the super pretty dividers!)

Elain Archeron was the most beautiful bride the world had ever seen.

Azriel was sure of that .

A flower meadow come to life , clad in a white dress that was shot through with her favourite blooms, sparkling with every step she took. Hair falling down her back like spun gold, whiskey brown eyes filled with the kind of happiness that nothing could touch.

She was irrevocably happy as she married her husband.

There was no doubt in anyone’s mind how much she adored him as she gazed at him with such love in her eyes.

Lucien looked at her in awe as if she were a precious, precious thing he didn't deserve.

Azriel watched from the shadows as the person he loved found her happily ever after with somebody other than him.

Elain Archeron married Lucien Vanserra on a gorgeous spring day in the garden of his townhouse in Velaris.

The garden bloomed with the couple’s love and Elain’s love for the flowers that she had planted, roses and lilies and daffodils. A whole ocean of them, blooming brightly for their mistress.

Azriel watched.

It was all he could do.

All he had done over the last year as Elain and Lucien had fallen in love.

After that catastrophic solstice.

That would-be kiss. When Azriel still thought that maybe…maybe he had a chance.

He hadn’t.

Rhys had made sure of that.

So you will leave Elain alone. If you need to fuck someone, go to a pleasure hall and pay for it, but stay away from her.

Like that was all he had wanted from her.

Like that was all Azriel was good for. All that he wanted. It hadn’t even passed Rhys’ mind that Azriel had actual feelings for Elain. Or maybe it had and he hadn’t cared. Azriel didn’t know which was worse.

But it hadn’t mattered either way, because Rhys had pulled rank. It hadn’t been his brother saying these words, but the High Lord of the Night Court.

What Azriel wanted…it hadn’t mattered.

Not that it ever had before.

He should get used to that by now.

He had followed that order. What else was he supposed to do? He had left. Left their friendship in tatters…and Feyre had played matchmaker. Elain had moved on. Lucien had a chance. They had fallen in love.

Just like the cauldron had wanted.

He had gotten to see that every family dinner he attended, even when his attendance got rarer and rarer.

Saw how Elain, beautiful Elain bloomed under Lucien’s attention. When Azriel could stomach to look at her. When there wasn’t Rhys reminding him with harsh words if he so much as dared to look at her for too long.

He stopped coming so often.

It was better that way.

The question was just for whom.

He thought that maybe if he didn’t go…then it wouldn’t quite hurt so much. But that wasn’t true. It still hurt. Even more maybe.

Likes somebody cleaved his chest open and burned out his heart.

And then they had announced their wish to marry and…well.

That was it then.

The people around him found their happily ever after.

Rhys and Feyre.

Cassian and Nesta.

And now…now Elain and Lucien.

It seemed like the cauldron knew what it was doing after all, didn’t it?

There weren’t even words that could describe his bitterness. And he cut off that line of thought before it could…result in anything unpleasant.

Not now.

Not here. Not where Rhys could hear.

He could feel his shadows curl against him as the evening progressed. Trying to offer him any comfort they could, regardless of how little it was. They slithered against every bit of skin they could find, cloaking him in darkness underneath his clothing, as he was reduced to watching.

Mor pulled him to dance once, because, of course, she did.

Morrigan.

So beautiful, so unattainable. Pining after her had been safe, because why not want the unattainable?

It wasn’t like he had ever really had a chance with her. And a part of him had known that from the start.

Morrigan had been unattainable. (And so Azriel hadn’t…hadn’t needed to think about it. Not really. Whether he deserved her or not, because it was Mor and he wouldn’t be able to have her anyway.)

But with Elain…with Elain…Azriel had thought he had a chance.

Elain in all her beauty and softness and gentleness…Everything good in the world…He had seen her and he had fallen in love.

And then it had been taken from him before he had ever had a chance to go for it.

He watched. The Bride and Groom. The friends and family surrounding them.

He slipped into the shadows because that was the one comfort he had right there. The one thing that he could do.

He waited and he watched…he saw Nyx in Feyre’s arms, looking halfway to sleep already, saw Feyre watching the other Faes dancing… He slunk out of the shadows. They followed along with him.

They had clung tighter to him over the last months, ever since that solstice, slipping underneath his leathers, clinging to his wrists and ankles, like they wanted to assure him that they were there. Or maybe to shackle him.

He wasn’t sure anymore.

Not anymore.

He didn’t care anymore either.

“I can take him,” he offered to Feyre. Holding out his hands for his nephew. He could do that. Hold him. He didn’t want to dance. He wanted to go back to the shadows.

She exchanged a look with Rhys. “Thank you, Az,” Rhys said as Feyra passed Nyx over without hesitation. Azril took him, just about a year old, wings sleepily fluttering as Nyx yawned and moved closer to him.

“Good boy, Nyxie,” Feyra whispered before she grasped her mate’s hand and pulled him towards the fun part of the party. Azriel quietly swayed in place, Nyx sleeping against his shoulder, a scarred hand gently holding him in place.

He wondered if Nyx was ever going to look at them in disgust.

They were dripping in blood, but for just a moment, he could forget that.

He forgot all of that.

Until he felt nothing, was nothing at all.

He was good at that.

If he wasn’t…well, then he wouldn’t be there anymore. Then Azriel would have ended his horrible existence already.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about it through half a millennia of life.

Or especially over the last year.

Sometimes he sparred with Cassian and the instinct of self-preservation wasn’t there anymore. He wondered what would happen if he just…stopped to fight back.

He never did. He wouldn’t hear the end of it from Cass.

But the thought was there as he watched the love of his life falling in love with another male.

Nyx slept until his parents returned… until it was late enough that Azriel wasn’t the first person to go…until Cassian was drunk enough that he didn’t try to get Azriel to get drunk as well.

He said his goodbyes.

Although it felt like he was ripping out his heart, he forced a smile on his face as he congratulated Elain and Lucien. She smiled at him. He wanted to hoard that smile away somewhere, wished it was…wished it was there on her face for another reason entirely.

But it wasn’t.

It didn’t matter. His pain didn’t matter.

It never had.

It never would.

And then, finally…He let the shadows take him.

He resurfaced in the forest, feet away from his house.

His house. Because as much as he loved Cassian, spending time with him and Nesta at The House of Wind was not his version of a fun time. Especially not with everything that had gone down.

Being surrounded by a freshly mated pair, watching his brother being so utterly…in love and happy…Somebody thrust a knife into his chest and twisted.

And so he had bought this house, hidden away…still in Velaris, on the outskirts, built into the mountains, surrounded by forest…

Alone.

Nobody would hear him scream. The wards would take care of that.

He staggered as he hit the ground.

And then Azriel gave up trying to push it all away from him.

It didn’t matter anymore. Rhysand was far away enough from him that he wasn’t going to be the witness to Azriel…falling apart.

Nobody would be the witness. Just the forest and the sky and stars.

The shadows converged upon him.

Maybe it should scare him, but it never had. They talked to him, told him stories… were always there, even when nobody else was. The shadows were a part of him as true as his right hand was.

And right now they muffled his screams as he bellowed into the sky. Pain apparent in every single second of it, as he screamed his pain and grief into the void.

The shadows tried to comfort him. They always did. Many voiced, bundled into one. Master…

They tried.

But even they couldn’t stop the pain that threatened to rip him apart.

Azriel thought he knew pain.

Of course, he did.

He just needed to look down at his hands to get a reminder. Grotesque, half-flayed skin that covered his knuckles. Every winter they hurt. It didn’t matter that it had been 500 years since he first received these scars.

The pain of having his wing tied up, two emaciated things weakly, uselessly hanging off his back…he remembered the phantom of that every time he stretched them nowadays.

And then there were dozens and hundreds of other pains…scrapes and bruises, broken bones from practice gone wrong, knife wounds and sword nicks…ash arrows.

He knew it all. He had experienced it all.

Physical pain and emotional one as well.

Born a bastard, step-brothers loving to torment him…spending the first years of his life in a dark cell without even a window…seeing his mother one hour a week, used by his father to hurt his mother… He had lived through all of it.

But somehow a part of him had believed that maybe…maybe that was over now. He had found and fought for his family. Right?

And still, somehow, losing Elain was…Losing Elain was the pinnacle of half a millennia of torture.

He screamed.

He didn’t know how long it lasted. Did it matter?

Not really. Nothing mattered anymore.

Nothing mattered as he cried and sobbed and railed against the forest ground, pounding it with his fists, burying them in the damp ground…

For the first time in his life, Azriel thought…that maybe giving it all up was worth it.

Why not? What did it matter?

All life had for him was more pain. The cauldron may have given other faes their perfect mate. Not him.

Who would even care ?

His brothers? Sure, for a moment. But they had mates that would take care of them. They had each other. They wouldn’t be alone. Everybody seemingly had somebody .

Just Azriel. He was…alone.

Master isn’t alone!

Right not alone.

The shadows weren’t amused by that thought at all, poking him in the ribs. He wanted to laugh at how sharply they disagreed.

Normally, he was disciplined about them. He never let them talk to him like that, berate him into anything…but the last year he had depended on them…more often. Let them shoulder the brute of…everything that had gone on. Let them hiss comforting things to him and complain about Rhys…let him feel like maybe he wasn’t the only one who thought something was unfair.

Shadowsingers were rare for a reason. They died young because they couldn’t live with the incessant hissing of the shadows surrounding them. And Azriel…he wallowed in them.

Why not? What did it matter?

He stared unseeing into the night sky.

He should get in the house. He didn’t want to.

The shadows slivered up, against his neck, rubbing against his skin. They never felt hot or cold to the touch, just a velvety sensation…not unlike a snake. He couldn’t even remember the last time another person had touched him like that. It must have been decades ago.

Master should go into the house, they whispered. Master needs to rest.

(Did he mention that they could be surprisingly pushy? But did it matter? Not really.)

He wanted to protest. Why did it matter?

It didn’t.

None of it did.

And his chest still felt like it was caving in.

Master…Master, please.

Even his shadows were worried about him. That was the only reason he could fathom why they would ask him something like that. Soft. Imploring.

Like…Like a friend? Or a lover?

He forced himself up from that forest floor. The shadows gently pressed down onto his body, nearly like they wanted to praise him. Good, Master.

He trudged up into his house.

Open the door, the shadows whispered. Master, open the door.

He opened the door

He hadn’t even bothered to furnish it. He had survived a childhood with nary a bed, so what did it matter now? Neither he nor the house were anything more than empty shells.

He could have used magic to make it inviting, to light the fireplace, to maybe do something that wasn’t just opening the door…but it was all he could do.

The house was dark.

That was alright.

Darkness was what he knew. Darkness protected him.

Always had, ever since his childhood cell. Why change it now? It didn’t…

The shadows spilled into the house and he stepped in after them. Pulling his jacket off, his shirt…all of it muddy with forest grounds. He never wanted to wear it again. Didn’t want to ever remember this night. Didn’t want…Didn’t want to live through this anymore.

That was as far as he came.

He didn’t want to go further into the house. He didn’t.

So he just collapsed into one corner, wings curled protectively around himself.

He had sat there that morning, trying to force himself to attend the wedding.

He had done it. Pure willpower. Or maybe stubbornness. He had been known for his stubbornness for centuries, after all. But now there was no more stubbornness left. There was nothing left anymore.

The shadows swirled around him, like even they didn’t know what to do anymore. He thought about sending them away, but he couldn’t. They were the one comfort he had.

What did it matter?

What did that say about him ?

He closed his eyes.

He couldn’t help but see Elain.

It was all there in front of him, every moment they had shared. Every conversation they had. Every smile she had gifted him with.

The headache powder she had given him…He had never used it. He had stared at it when he couldn’t sleep, he had kept it on his bedside table in the House of Wind and…It had been comforting. For months it had been comforting. How often had he held it in his hands and tried to smell if maybe there was still a whiff of Jasmine and Honey clinging to it?

The pair of earplugs meant as a joke to help with the noises of Cassian and Nesta’s nightly activities…The Rosequartz necklace he had given her. Or tried to give her. Before it all went to…when she had given it back to him, he had wanted to return it to the shop he had bought it from first but then finally he had hung onto it.

He had held it in his scarred hands so often, thinking about how he didn’t deserve to even look at the beauty before him.

And then they had announced their wedding and in a fit of rage, he had thrown all three things into the Sedra.

He shouldn’t have done that.

But he was already a monster, so what did it matter?

There had been no gifts this year.

It was better that way.

The tears fell down his face but he couldn’t even bother the energy to wipe them away anymore.

Tomorrow he was supposed to do his job. Azriel had no idea how he should do that when it felt like a knife was lodged into his chest.

He would get used to it. He would.

He always did.

It had been a crazy hope anyway.

Monsters like him didn’t get…what they wanted. They got what they deserved .

And Azriel knew that he simply wasn’t good enough for a cauldron-blessed mate.

He closed his eyes, tipping his head against the wall. The shadows seemingly pulled tighter against him, trying to cover him whole…they had done the same back then as well, trying to offset the lack of a blanket with their very presence.

Master…Master, go to sleep, they whispered to him, the voice, their many voices, an echo. Soft, indulging…trying to be comforting.

He wouldn’t be able to sleep. He knew that. He wouldn’t be able to sleep, he didn’t want to sleep, not to be greeted with nightmares and memories.

He didn’t know what was worse: The things he had done or the things he hadn’t.

He had drenched his hands in blood to protect the Night Court and Prythian. Or at least that’s what Azriel told himself. To pretend that the things he had done were…just. Not right, never right, but maybe he had a good enough reason to do what needed to be done.

He was an expert at that after all.

Cloaked in shadows, that whispered the secrets of the land to him, with Truthteller on his thigh…he was the Night Courts spymaster after all.

He did what needed to be done. Until he felt nothing, was nothing.

It was all he could do after all. And still, he knew…He was simply not good enough.

Not good enough.

The words followed him since he could think. Born as the bastard son of an Illyrian noble who was well known for his cruelty and not much else, used as punishment for his mother and a plaything for his half brothers…not good enough for a stepmother that kept him locked away in a cell without even a window.

Not good enough once he reached Windhaven camp, without even knowing the one thing that every Illaryan should know…how to fly.

Not good enough .

He wished he was like Cassian, had his brash extroverted personality, believing in the good of people…he wished he was like Rhysand, a powerhouse with mythical powers, who had that inbred arrogance….

Not good enough.

He was neither.

He just…existed. Surrounded by the shadows that always surrounded him, the one thing that he could count on that would never leave him.

They pulsed around him like they tried to promise him that they would stay with him.

That would be nice, wouldn’t it? Back to only his shadows as a company, just like in his cell. There was some humour in it, he was sure. But then, in his cell, he had known that every day would be worse than the day before. Outside of it…outside of it, he had hoped that day one day there would be…more.

He had been wrong.

So back into the cell with him.

Sometimes he wished that he really felt nothing. He was good at pretending. Of course, he was. He was a spy.

He was good at pushing it all away until he felt nothing, was nothing…

But still, he felt things.

He didn’t know if it was love, didn’t know if he was capable of love at all. He wondered if his brothers knew that. Maybe that’s why Rhys had warned him off. Elain deserved better than him. Rhys must have known.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid…

Master, stop, the shadows whispered, tightening around him. A reminder perhaps? That they were there? Wouldn’t leave him? Would be there even if nobody else was?

He wanted to thank them. He couldn’t.

He could just feel the pain deep within him, welling up once again.

It didn’t matter.

Not anymore.

Though now…now with Elain happily married, with his own heart burned out of his chest…maybe finally he would get that.

Nothing .

An existence bookended by nothing.

He would do his job. His duty. For the Night Court, for Pyrithian.

Of course, he would.

But if…if something happened to him…then that was alright as well.

It was.

He felt nothing.

He was nothing.

What did it matter?

It didn’t.

It never would.

#you'll be made of ashes too #acotar fanfiction #azriel fanfic #azriel fanfiction #azriel x reader #azriel x oc #my writing #A Court of Gold and Shadows #Something Good and and Right and Real

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acourtofquietdreamers · 8 months ago

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I keep seeing people use this line as a reason Lucien is the better choice for Elain and that he “deserves a chance” because he told Ianthe this:

“I’m a mated male now.”

I’m sorry, but I don’t care if Lucien is loyal to the mating bond. I don’t care if he waits 1000 years for Elain or brings her 1000 Solstice gifts. I don’t care if he’s the greatest male in all of Pyrthian. He could give Elain longing glances for the rest of his life and Elain would still owe him nothing. She didn’t ask for his loyalty, his time, his gifts, or his longing.

Being a “nice guy” does not entitle a man to a woman’s affections and attention. Elain is not a character created to serve Lucien and his happiness. She does not have to like him because he’s a good person or because he’s been through so much.

And I think the author agrees considering she wrote these moments:

“He brought you a present.” Those doe-brown eyes turned toward me. Sharper than I’d ever seen them. “And that entitles him to my time, my affections?” “No.” I blinked. “But he is a good male.” Despite our harsh words. Despite this Band of Exiles bullshit. “He cares for you.” “He doesn’t know me.” “You don’t give him the chance to even try to do so.”

Just because Lucien was her mate didn’t mean he had a claim on her time. Her affection. She was her own person, capable of making her own choices. Assessing her own needs.

So what will the message of this story be? That Elain will give in and give the “good male” a chance because of external pressure? I sure hope not.

#anti e/ucien #pro elriel #elriel #pro elain #Elain rambles

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i-sneezed · 1 year ago

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Some Elriel evidence that doesn't get much attention.

First of all, if you're just having fun with your ships, you do you, man. I'm not here to rain on your parade.

However, there are so many people out there that are CONVINCED of Elucien/Gwynriel that I can't take it anymore and I have to throw in my two cents, so here we go. I'm gonna break it down by ship.

Elucien

There's no way, bro. And we can set aside the fact that if that ship were to sail it would be the same sort of love story as Nessian (reluctant mates).

The most obvious thing to discuss here is that Elain is clearly not interested. And neither, to some extent, is Lucien.

Let's look back to ACOWAR when Lucien talks to Elain in the library. He thinks about Jesminda. "[She] had loved him without question, without hesitation. She had chosen him. Elain had been...thrown at him."

Like Azriel, Lucien wants to be chosen. He's had it before and he sees the value in it. Unfortunately, he's a fae male and he has a hard time ignoring his instincts where his mate is concerned, so he keeps trying. Even though he can hardly stand to be in the same room as her. Whereas Vassa...

Elain, on the other hand, has absolutely no interest in a mating bond. After Graysen breaks her heart in ACOWAR, Feyre says, "Some sliver of hope had been shattered today. That Graysen would still love her, marry her--and that love would trump even a mating bond."

Obviously, that quote is in direct reference to her ex-fiance, but we see Elain reconfirm that desire in ACOFAS when she tells Feyre explicitly that she doesn't want a mate. I don't think it's personal to Lucien, I think she rejects the idea of being told who she should be with. Of being robbed of choice.

We learn from Nesta in ACOSF that their mother always said Elain would marry for "love and beauty". I think for Elain, a mating bond is not the same as love. Also, small aside, but who is constantly regarded as the most beautiful of the bat boys?

We haven't seen them have a conversation about their mating bond yet because why would we? That will happen in Elain's book (which is most likely next).

Gwynriel

I feel like this one is more dangerous to get into so I'll tread lightly.

Firstly, the majority of evidence for this ship comes from a bonus chapter that the majority of the fandom doesn't even know exists. Anyone who listens to the audiobooks doesn't know about it unless they poke around ACOTAR stuff online.

It doesn't make sense for an author to essentially change the entire trajectory of a story in a bonus chapter that most people don't know about.

Also, I think a big problem with the BC is that people read it after they finish the book, so it can feel like the most recent thing to happen in the story, but it's not. It happens about 2/3 of the way through ACOSF and a lot happens after that.

But before we get into that, let's talk about the shadows. People lose their damn minds that Az's shadows dance for Gwyn and vanish for Elain. The truth of it is that we don't know what dancing shadows actually mean, though. It's the first time we've seen it happen. However, we have seen his shadows vanish for someone other than Elain.

In ACOMAF, when Feyre meets the IC for the first time, they vanish for Mor. "Mor patted Azriel on the shoulder as she dodged his outstretched wing...The lurking shadows vanished entirely as Azriel's head dipped a bit."

So we know that the shadows vanish in the presence of someone Azriel has romantic feelings for, but we don't know what makes them dance.

Then, at the end of the BC (after he said he didn't even consider Gwyn to be a friend) he feels a spark of joy in his chest. Good. My shadow man deserves happiness.

But we know that it doesn't last because at the very next training right after Solstice, Neta comments that Az is "More aloof than usual" which clearly shows us that he is far more hung up on what happened with Elain than whatever may or may not be going on with Gwyn.

For her part, Gwyn becomes more comfortable around Azriel after Solstice. We love to see it because the poor girl has been so traumatized and, like Az, she deserves to be happy.

However, at no point does Nesta or Cassian suspect there to be any romantic connection between them. Not like how Nesta did with Az and Elain. ("His secret to tell. Never hers.").

And then at the climax of the book, Gwyn is thrown into the Blood Rite. At no point is Az even half as frantic as Cassian (which a mate would be) and he is way more preoccupied with whatever's going on with Eris.

At the end, when Nesta is getting ready for her mating ceremony, Gwyn tells her that she's not ready to leave the House of Wind again. Poor thing has been re-traumatized because of what happens in the BR and can't stand to leave the House. And y'all think she's ready for any kind of romantic relationship??

Nah, let Gwyn heal without the influence of a male.

Elriel

So I'm got gonna talk about the rescue, him figuring out she's a seer, giving her Truth Teller, or any of the usual stuff because that's been said and said and I have nothing to add to it.

Instead, I want to talk about what I believe their trope will be and share my evidence with the class. Cool? Cool.

Okay, so, I think we all know that if Elriel is endgame then their trope will be forbidden lovers.

Personally, I am of the opinion that the purpose of Az's bonus chapter was to confirm that for us, not suddenly change the entire trajectory of the story.

But forbidden lovers makes so much sense for Elriel because of what we've seen in the books, not just the BC.

Looking at ACOMAF again, Mor tells Feyre, "'Azriel's got no shortage of lovers, though, don't worry. He's just better at keeping them secret than we are.'"

Then, in ACOSF, when Feyre's talking about how Elain figured out she was pregnant first, she says to Azriel, "'I think she's got you beat for secret-keeping'".

So it's already in-canon that Azriel can keep his lovers secret very well and that Elain is just good at secrets in general.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE

A moment I never see anyone talk about is something that Cassian observes at a family dinner. "Elain had already departed with Feyre, claiming she had to be up with the dawn to tend to an elderly faerie's garden. Cassian didn't know why he suspected this wasn't true. There had been some tightness in Elain's face when she said it. Normally when she made such excuses, Lucien was around, but the male remained in the human lands with Jurian and Vassa."

Elain already has secrets the IC aren't privy to. So what's one more?

#elriel #elain x azriel #elain archeron #azriel #lucien vanserra #gwyneth berdara #acotar #fandom ships

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rosessndri · 10 months ago

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Elriels are so desperate for a rejected mated story. You write it dude, write it and make sure you include how gut wrenching it will feel for both parties involved and how Elain will feel a constant pull and tug for the rest of her life. And how she will lay down her life as a mate for Lucien even though she chose Azriel because the mate bond is too strong. People want her to reject it and it's like?? Have you thought about Elain? Not only will Lucien be devestated but Elain will be too. It won't be a walk in the park for either of them. Even mates who weren't a good outside match just like Rhysand's father and his mother. No true real love but it was still so strong they procreated two beings because of it. Rhys' father would want to see his mother even if he felt no love for her. Like come on. It's not some little toss away thing. Elain rejecting the bond with Lucien will look a lot like her wondering about him and thinking about him from time to time even if she gets a "hea," with Azriel. A life time of what could have been. Does Elain deserve that? Does Azriel deserve that? No, not all. They both deserve a true HEA. And it's not with each other. Even if Azriel himself would wonder why no bond with me and her? Why no bond with me and Mor? Why no bond?

#anti elriel #pro elucien #pro gwynriel

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fandom-pantheon · 8 months ago

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Oh, this will be a rant. Bear with me, or ignore me. You can either argue or agree… However, if you want to read, it will be a freaking essay. Just a warning.

1. MATES! Or better yet, the whole thing about mates being rare and the SJM being like: “You get a mate, and you get a mate, and you get aaaaaaa MATE, etc”, makes perfect sense. Like in ACOTAR you have a world divided in half. Literally half the population is separated by a freaking wall. If Feyre didn’t cross the wall, and eventually became Fae, Rhysand would never found his mate. Nor would Cassian or Lucien. Rhysand father was over 900, when he found his mother. Do you have any idea how many times he could have died??? In ToG, you don’t have winnowing, or teleportation. Traveling the world for weeks on end? Months? Years? Which human will do that? How many of them? And if Aelin and Rowan didn’t find each other, neither would Lorcan and Elide. For example. And in CC? Their powers were corrupted, and with that their senses as well. So yeah. MATES ARE RARE!!!!

2. The whole critique of HOFAS. I get it if you don’t like it. That’s perfectly fine. However, there is no reason attacking some of the well established characters like Nesta and Azriel. First thing first. Nesta, and the whole story how SJM just ruined the ending of ACOSF, cause Nesta was all healed and whatnot. Depression is a serious illness, that is far from easy to beat. And even if you “beat it”, it does not end overnight. Yes, she had an amazing story of overcoming all that was there, but still, it did not disappear. And it probably never will. There can be days, weeks and months that it can take hold of you. That is perfectly normal, and fine, and Nesta falling again, does not mean she is back there. She has her family, her friends and her mate to help pick her up, and having a bad day or two, or a week is NORMAL. Even for people who do not suffer from depression, let alone the one who does. So don’t attack with the whole “ruined the journey of Nesta”, cause it ain’t true. We do not know what is happening in Pyrithian yeat, so chill.

3. I’ll make it a new point. AZRIEL!!! My baby. If SJM stays true to her words, my little kinky baby! 😜 Why the freaking f*ck, is it weird to have Az there instead of Cass? Like yeah, Nesta and Cass are mates, but that does not mean they are joined by umbilical cord for f*ck sake! Az is a spymaster, and it makes perfect sense for him to be trailing them. Being found out however, by accident or on purpose is questionable, but it makes so much more sense for him to be there and get as much info about this new person from different world. If there was a battle, full on war, yeah, I would expect Cass, freaking GENERAL of Night Court ARMIES, there, but for this mission?? People, have you heard of common sense?? Just cause you want to see more of Cass and Nesta, does not make it a good idea for running a court as High Lord. Deal!

4. Az and Nesta friendship? Amazing. The way he calmed her down, with mentions of Cass and Nyx. Amazing! And it is established in ACOSF that there was friendship between the two, so why the fuck are ppl freaking out? Is it because of the fantasy of threesome?? Excuse you!!! Get your mind out of the fucking gutter prudes! Just because Cass was the main love interest and turned out to be her mate, does not mean she cannot enjoy her own imagination. For fuck sake, woman keeps reading smutty books, of course she has a dirty mind. And at least 1/4 of those books have 3somes in it, if not the whole reverse harem!!!! What women (in her sexual prime, like she’s 25 or something) would not enjoy 2 hunks worshipping her??? If you wouldn’t, well… keep lying to yourself. The rest of us know the truth.

5. AZ DESERVES A MATE! Now repeat after me! AZ DESERVES A MATE! No, not Elain. Gods not that bitch. And she will turn out to be a bitch I’m 99.99% sure of it. As Rhysand mentioned, even roses have thorns. And we still have to see what she has to show. I’m sure it’s foreshadowing. Nobody is that nice. Or better said, nobody is that nice for a long time. I’m not even sold on the idea of Lucien and Elain, let alone Az and her. Be it Gwyn, Eris, Helion or Mother herself, Az deserves a mate! A mate who will love him! All of him, good and bad, and icy. And no, not the one that will “melt his ice” but the one who will embrace it. Cause it won’t be Az anymore. I didn’t see Nesta taming Cassians wild side, but going along with it, enjoying it. So why would Az mate “melt his ice”??? The mate his shadows will feel comfortable with. Where he can go through his day and find shadows missing, finding them with him/her/them. Doesn’t matter. He needs his own journey, full of trials and errors, and full on f*ck ups, for his happy ending. I believe it will be Gwyn. But it can be anyone but Elain. She will never love him fully. She will always, even when she refuses Lucien, feel the mating bond, and I cannot explain how badly I don’t want that to happen to Az. Cause HE will wake up every morning thinking: “ Is this the day she leaves me for her mate?”. And seeing his brothers happiness with their mates, he will ask this. And he deserves so much better!

6. RHYSAND! Just that! FREAKING RHYSAND! Why the f*ck are ppl freaking out about his behavior in ACOSF and HOFAS??? Let’s start from the beginning. RHYSAND is a well established character. And he is the same from start to now. He is a manipulative, scheming bastard, secretly trying to do good things, by whichever means necessary! Good or bad. For f*ck sake, he was Amarathas 2nd in command and her whore for 50 years… Like, yeah, he is good, and he is a feminist, and he is all of this and that, but he is still just… him! That won’t change, and I don’t want it to change, cause I really like his character as it is. (You have every right to hate him, but not on the account of him “changing”) Him threatening Nesta when she revealed the risk of pregnancy! YES, YES, and YES! He had every right to do so, and him telling Cass to get her out of there, was more than I would have done. (And no, I am not talking about the moral dilemma of him not telling Feyre in the first place, cause that was bad, however, what would you do? We can discuss morality all day long, and everybody would take the high road until it’s time, sooooo… Don’t!) Oh, and him reprimanding Nesta in the extra in HOFAS. Again spot on. Because, if Az or Cass have done something sooooooo stupid, he would have beaten them in the training ring to the inch of their life. Mor would probably take the full burn of his power. And Amren… Well let’s not go there. Most of the ppl started talking shit about Rhys and his behavior in HOFAS, however I was pissed, and I’m still pissed at Feyre.

7. Feyre!!! Oh my Gods!!! I’m starting to hate her. I liked her so much. Strong FMC, overcoming her obstacles, trying to do good for her family and friends and mate. But HOFAS! So mad!!!!! YOU ARE A F*CKING HIGH LADY! Your damn sister just gave one of the deadliest weapons to basically complete stranger, who btw, came to your house and wrecked PRISON of all places… In Midgard Avallen island changed completely. What the f*ck happened to the prison when she took part of the star??? She f*cking freed the Asteri/Dalgan in you house, and you sister was like: “Yeah, sure, take the mask, please don’t die or fall prey to the Asteri”. And you give shit to your MATE and a f*cking HIGH LORD of the court for reprimanding you damn sister??? Like f*ck off bi*ch. I’m all for feminism and females supporting each other, but this is politics! This is a leader talking to his subject, not a f*cking family show on air. Honestly, it’s starting to look like Feyre is abusing Rhys, and using his feelings for her and their mate bond to do things the way she wants them to be done. And I hate that it looks that way.

8. This is the last one for now. Az and Rhys interaction in extra in ACOSF. AGAIN, ppl say it with me… RHYSAND IS A HIGH LORD OF THE NIGHT COURT!!! So yes, they are friends and all of that, but at the end of the day, Rhys is the leader, and he knows his shit. And he has every right to say that shit to Az. However, I do think it is misleading. We will see if I’m right, but. If Gwyn is Az mate, I believe she knows. And I believe Rhys knows as well. I really think they are friends. (Especially over the things that happened to them, and knowing who their mates are, but not telling them, since they weren’t/aren’t ready. The whole scene of Rhysand telling Nesta to be respectful to Gwyn kinda gives me that vibe). So him telling Az “he will make him regret it”, kinda comes from that. However, I get a feeling (again might be wrong, time and SJM will tell), that making Az regret his action will involve his mother. We had mentions of her, sooooo. (I have this reoccurring thought, about a random attack, that Az takes care of, on one of his spying missions, and the enemy mentions that they will take his mate or something like that. Az coming back to Velaris, and freaking out about Elain being in danger, and everybody freaking out as well. Until Rhys asks to look at what happened, and realizes that the enemy was not saying Elain, but his mate, and runs of in search of Gwyn, who’s been attacked or kidnapped… Yeah, just there sitting in my head. Does not want to leave.)

Anyway, that’s it for now. There are much more points I would like to make, but I’ll leave it for some other time.

It took way longer than anticipated to write this. And I’m sorry for any grammatical error or misspelling. English is my second language.

If you stuck till the end, thank you, and let me know what your thoughts are??? I would appreciate discussion over open war, but go ahead and do what you like….

Love,

Lady Tina

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